|Don't let this picture fool you...|
|Male Model Sneer|
It doesn't help that there is ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL CHEMISTRY between the two main characters, Valerie and Peter, played by Amanda Seyfreid and Shiloh Fernandez. In fact, the two seem rather disgusted with each other - Peter looks like an Italian male model with a constant sneer and Valerie just seems bored during the "romance" scenes, like she's trying to fantasize about someone else - I know that look, sister! You can't fool me. This could, in part, be because Peter turns out to be more of a bodice un-lacer than a bodice ripper type, although more likely he is gay and they both know it.
The strangest part of the film takes place when the townspeople are celebrating with an outdoor village dance - there are people in pig masks, rolling around and banging on pots and pans and drinking and vomiting. Suddenly, Valerie spots Peter dancing all nasty with the village skank. Not to be outdone, she drags one of her homely girlfriends up and starts grinding all up on her and then this modernish dance music starts up, and they start busting out moves that seem like they are coming right out of a Britney Spears or Miley Cirus Video. It's a Gaelic dance off!
However, the most disturbing aspect of Red Riding Hood, is that there are some big name actors in it. Virginia Madsen (Sideways) plays Valerie's mother, Gary Oldman is the witch-hunter, and the grandmother is played by Julie Christie. I don't know why or how the creators of this film managed to get so many names, but I am guessing they convinced everyone that it was going to be the next Twilight.
And then there's the wolf....
There isn't really much to like about this movie. I came to the theatre with low expectations - I was hoping to see a solid B movie with some glimpses of skin, a little cleavage and chiseled abs peppered here and there between steamy makeout scenes and unbridled passion. I really wanted to like this movie.
I want to emphasize that all of the films flaws would have been generously overlooked (perhaps even enjoyed on some level) had there been some campy sizzle between the actors - just something hotter than the limpdick romance scenes I was subjected to tonight. This movie made the Twilight movies look like Oscar contenders.