Thursday, August 25, 2011

Cowboys and Aliens & Other Reasons why Summer Caters to Idiots

 Lately, I've been thinking about Summer.....soft drinks and chips, generic Summer action films, trashy beach reads, convertibles, flip flops, shirtlessness and ice cream cones.....and I have come to the conclusion that it was made for idiots.
Don't get me wrong - I like Summer and everything. I just think its overrated. And things that are overrated are usually popular with morons. Let me explain myself.....

For me, Summer is a pleasantly thoughtless interlude in an otherwise thoughtful, intellectually stimulating year.
This Summer I indulged in all kinds of idiot-stick pastimes, such as drinking a can of root beer on my balcony, lying out in the sun with no sunscreen on and venturing out to the theater to endure Cowboys and Aliens.

A typical, mindless blockbustery action film, Cowboys and Aliens will delight the raggedy ass masses with its strict adherence to action film formula. Shit gets blown up and things are shot at. Why? Who the fuck cares when Daniel Craig is parading about in chaps like the leather clad vagina tease he is. But seriously, if watching Daniel Craig strut about in leather chaps for two hours straight is your idea of a good time, you will be in your element with this flick! If not, you are lame and may as well stay home and watch Touched By An Angel re-runs, crying into your glass of Crystal Lite.

Moving on.....

I think I am just more of a Fall kind of girl. I love the smoky smell of Autumn air, the crinkly leaves, eating squash, carving pumpkins, Halloween, frost, darkness, death......Fall is for intellectuals. Summer is for twits.

The beautiful trails and nature spots are practically deserted in the fall, winter and spring - but summer is when the twits surface from their twit-dens so they can meander in front of me on jogging trails, take up parking spots at the beach with their gigantic GMC trucks and bullshit SUVs, parading their squeally spawn about and just generally annoying me with their human presence. The iffy weather this Summer has provided some relief, as any minor amount of cloud seems to keep the moronic hordes at bay - but as soon as the overrated Sun comes out, watch yourself!

But having said all that, Summer has some saving graces......for example, I fucking love farmer's markets! Just this evening I bought my whole dinner at my local farmers market -  a delicious loaf of organic, slow rise kalamata olive and rosemary bread, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes and other stuff. I made a greek salad and ate it with the bread - dipping my bread into gratuitous amounts of olive oil. It was so wonderful I almost forgot that I was smack-dab in the middle of dumbfuck season!

So by this point I know exactly what you are thinking - Which category do I fall into? Am I a Moron of Summer or an Autumn Intellectual? For this reason, I have designed an in-depth personality quiz so you can get a clear idea as to where you stand on the dimwit scale.

1) When packing your bag for a day at the 
beach, which "beach read" do you pick?

a) Extraordinary Evil: A Brief History of

b) Expecting the Cowboy's Baby

2) After a hot, lazy day in the sun, you decide to spend the evening in an air conditioned theatre. Which film do you choose to watch?

a) Schindler's List

b) Footloose (the remake, not the original)

3) You are all alone, lying on the beach, basking in the sun, when Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron suddenly appear out of nowhere and beg you for sex. Which one do you pounce on first?

a) Robert Pattinson

b) Zac Efron

4) Or, your in your boat shooting fish when suddenly Helen Mirren and Megan Fox just drop out of the sky and try to seduce you - who do you find most alluring?

a) Helen Mirren

b) Megan Fox

5) It's a hot Summer's night and you are inside channel surfing. Which show do you opt to watch?

a) A National Geographic documentary on elephants.

b) The Girls Next Door

6) Which sex position appears most appealing?

a) The confusing one that looks totally complicated and smart.

b) The way animals and drunks do it.

Okay, now tally up your answers! If you answered mostly A's, congratulations - you are most likely a witty and refined individual of superior ilk. However, if you answered mostly B's you are a complete dumbass with a below average intelligence and there is absolutely no hope for you. But the good news is that Summer was created just for you - you have your very own season. So don't be afraid to get out there and really savor that Tim Horton's Ice Cap as you shuffle in front of me when I am trying to jog - after all, you've waited all year to do it! And if your a small child, don't hold back when you throw that epic Tantrum on the Beach. If your a 20-something douche bag in an SUV....crank that shitty Pit Bull song as you cruise through the parking lot! Yeah! Get out there and make the most of it while you still can....because Summer is almost over.