Ads That Suck

This is my first blog post in almost four months. I had almost given up on the whole blogging experience. Every time I sat down to write I would get halfway through a ranty paragraph about turning thirty or my addiction to cheese, when it would suddenly hit me - only five people will read this...if I'm lucky.

I was on the verge of throwing in my blogging towel and calling it a day when I saw an advertisement on my television that filled my heart with such rage and hatred that I instantly snapped out of my lethargic, whiny,"but no body reads my blog" haze and decided to come out of blogger retirement once and for all.

Let me tell it from the beginning.....it was a dark and rainy night and I was home alone eating shrimp curry and watching the MTV series Teen Wolf, which by the way, is like porn to me. Anyhow, a commercial for Crest Whitestrips came on. You have probably seen it since it seems to come on every five seconds. But if you haven't, here it is for your viewing pleasure:

Its always interesting when an advertisement attempts to make a problem out of something that just simply isn't. Like needing perfectly white teeth in order to go on a road trip with your friends. In the commercial, a youngish woman who looks old enough to know better hesitates when her two friends suggest a road trip, since her teeth just aren't fucking white enough. Really? Who does that? Who hesitates to do anything because their teeth aren't perfectly white? Nobody, that's who - much to Crest's disappointment, which is why they need to brainwash people with these ads.

So thankfully this horrid woman buys Crest Whitestrips, which only take two hours to whiten her teeth (the time it takes to drive to Vegas! Yippee!). Thank God for Crest Whitestrips, otherwise this poor girl would have had to pass on the road trip. And its a good thing she didn't do that because once these three sluts make it to Vegas, a MAN looks at them and asks "where are you guys headed?" and she's all like "hmff, hmff...i think were here", as if this guy is just some pesky boner slapping her in the face when she's trying to read the morning paper and not the entire stupid reason for the girly road trip and Whitestrips in the first fucking place.

So not only is Crest trying to implant me with the idea of needing freshly bleached teeth in order to enjoy myself in public, but they are making me hate women as well. And there is enough misogynistic stuff out there.

But this ad got me thinking....it got me thinking about other ads that also piss me off. And to be honest, there are quite a few of them. Another one is that Kotex tampon commercial that plays CONSTANTLY. I know you have seen it, especially if you watch Degrassi: The Next Generation while you eat your dinner alone. Here is the bloody commercial (no pun intended!):

In this ad, the irritating menstrual blood girl shows us all the bizarre ways she hides her tampons and the question "Why are we so embarrassed by our periods?" is asked.
Initially this question comes across as pro-feminist. Yes, why indeed are we so embarras.....wait! we're embarrassed by our periods!? I had no idea. That's right - this would be a legitimate question if it wasn't for the simple fact that we AREN'T embarrassed by our periods. Unless you're a twelve year old girl. But judging from the number of teenage girls who have posted "how to put in a tampon" videos on YouTube (I've done my research), I don't think they are embarrassed either.

I remember once in high school I asked a boy I didn't like if he wanted a cigar and then pulled a tampon out of my bag and offered it to him as if I hadn't yet noticed it was a Tampax Super Plus tampon. No one laughed. Personally, I thought it was quite witty.

Another commercial that makes me want to chuck my half empty bottle of Jim Beam at the TV screen is the one for the First Response home pregnancy test. I couldn't find a YouTube video of it, so you will have to rely solely on my literary dramatization of it. If you have watched any TV in the last year you will have seen this ad - like the Whitestrips and Kotex tampon ads, it runs every fucking five minutes.

It begins with this wholesome looking woman gazing at you through your TV screen with this unsettling, serious, dewy eyed expression as she says "Imagine...knowing your pregnant the moment it happens".

Okay, I've imagined it, and now I am feeling all vomity and clammy....just what I need while I'm trying to enjoy the dewy young man-meat in Teen Wolf. Then she natters on a bit about how First Response can detect early pregnancy, blah blah blah, but the whole time I just want to strangle her. I am TRIGGERED by this ad so much and I am not sure exactly why. I feel like this advertisement is just very presumptive. The wholesome, sentimental woman in the ad seems to assume that viewers at home consider discovering your pregnant to be a good thing and not your worst nightmare. Which is interesting since I am willing to bet both my ovaries that the majority of women buying home pregnancy tests are hoping they aren't knocked up. Its just a guess, I don't really know for sure.

However, I think I'm really onto something here. Perhaps their target audience should be the I hope like fuck I'm not preggers group rather than the mature, oh so serious, planned pregnancy group. I think First Response would sell waaaay more pregnancy tests if they framed their product in a more fun, positive light by featuring young girls expressing relief when they pee on the First Response stick and discover they aren't pregnant.

In fact, if you watch the Crest Whitestrips ad at the beginning of this blog post but imagine its for a First Response home pregnancy test instead of Whitestrips, it actually makes a lot more sense. Three foolish young ladies plan a road trip, but one of them hesitates because she suspects she could be pregnant. So she takes the pregnancy test and realizes she isn't....PARTY TIME! VEGAS! This would actually make me want to buy a First Response test, even if I didn't think I was pregnant....just to experience the relief and joy that comes with reaffirming my non-pregnant status.

On a different note, I have joined Twitter. Despite years of vehemently declaring that tweeting is for twits, I have caved in a last ditch effort to actually promote this blog. My goal is to get ten blog subscribers by the end of this year.....or even ten twitter followers....I am not picky. So if you want to follow me on twitter, click on the twitter thing at the top left of this page. I promise to deliver scandalous, offensive tweets on a regular basis. You won't be disappointed......

Twilight 4! A Film Review by Kate

What does Twilight: Breaking Dawn, sex toys and my Christmas list have in common? Let's find out!!!!

 First, lets talk Twilight.
Yesterday afternoon I sat in a darkened theater enduring Twilight: Breaking Dawn, Part I - it was just me, my insatiable appetite for teen sex scenes, several lonely forty-year-old women and a large group of eight year old girls.
Yes, I know what your dying to ask me - does Twilight 4 deliver the sexy goods promised in the previews? Is there an adequate amount of man-hunk to keep me entertained for two whole hours?

Let me break it down for you.....

The film opens with an immediate delivery of teenage beefcake - Jacob (played by Taylor Lautner) tears off his shirt in a fit of emo-rage, charging through the rain, letting the moist droplets bathe his smooth, dewy chest, his manly muscles glowing and glistening...RAWR! He's ANGRY!

But then the film takes an immediate nose-dive. Bella and Edward (the two main characters, for those of you who are unfamiliar with the Twilight series) get married. There is a long, drawn out wedding scene. I hate wedding scenes in movies. I hate weddings in real life, too. 
But the Twilight wedding is particularly awful. It takes place in a forest with a bunch of white shit all over the place - white flowers, or toilet paper, or something. The lucky guests get to sit on logs - how fucking quaint. Bella's father walks her down the aisle and gives her away to Edward, who stands there all pasty and smirky.
Now they can be together FOREVER. Good luck with that. I am curious to see how they will be "spicing things up" in say, 1,000 years from now.

For your viewing pleasure, here is the preview:

Anyhow, moving on - they go on their honeymoon. This is where I had high hopes. The preview for this film show scenes of headboards breaking, nude swimming, etc. All of the previous Twilight films have been leading up to this moment - when they finally do it!

And after years of drawing out the sexual tension, the pivotal sex scene is heart-breakingly limp. Probably because they waited until after marriage. I sure hope those eight-year-olds were taking notes. Socially sanctioned sex sucks. Everyone knows it.

The one kiss scene in the first Twilight film left me breathless, while the multitude of makeout and "sex" scenes in this film left me bored, fidgety and pondering what kind of a snack I was going to fix myself when I got home.

I am not sure exactly what ruined it for me. The sex is just so....soppy, uninspired and lukewarm. Perhaps there could have been more vigorous thrusting? More creative sex positions? I dont know. I felt like I was watching a couple that is long since bored of fucking each other.

anemic sex

Thankfully, the horrid sex scene ends after a pitiful thrust and a half and immediately flashes to the "morning after", where Bella is covered in feathers (from the pillows, I guess) and the bedroom is in shambles - broken bed, ripped sheets - total mayhem. We are supposed to assume that the sex was so wild that the room got trashed. Whatever. I am not convinced. But enough about the dull sex.

 The one thing I find totally hilarious about the Twilight series is how serious it takes itself. Everything is so melodramatic and mopey. It gives me the giggles. But having said that, this is the one film we actually see Edward (the king of sulky) smile and laugh several times. Probably because he finally gets to bust a nut after all this time.
Anyhow, Bella gets pregnant on the honeymoon. It was an "unplanned" pregnancy, even though they did not use any birth control. And like every other idiot teenage boy on the planet, Edward's response to Bella's pregnancy is "I didn't even think it was possible!" 

Then a bunch of other stuff happens, none of it worth writing about here.

Oh, but the worst part about the whole film is Bella's socks. After she is impregnated with vampire sperm, her fetus begins eating her from the inside out. In each scene leading up to the birth she looks progressively more horrifying- greasy hair, knobbly knees, chapped lips. This is where I began to get pissed off. In once scene she is wearing grey stretchy pants and ....wait for it.....MUSTARD COLORED SOCKS!!!!! I know, right?! Who the fuck wears mustard colored socks? I know she's supposed to be sick, but come on.

So to sum it all up, Twilight: Breaking Dawn offers plenty of shirtless boys and all of that, but it had me trying to answer the age old question - if a film has an abundance of man hunk, but you must wade through two hours of eye gazing, awkward dialogue and a wedding scene to see it, is it really worth it?
You be the judge.

 

Cowboys and Aliens & Other Reasons why Summer Caters to Idiots

 Lately, I've been thinking about Summer.....soft drinks and chips, generic Summer action films, trashy beach reads, convertibles, flip flops, shirtlessness and ice cream cones.....and I have come to the conclusion that it was made for idiots.
Don't get me wrong - I like Summer and everything. I just think its overrated. And things that are overrated are usually popular with morons. Let me explain myself.....

For me, Summer is a pleasantly thoughtless interlude in an otherwise thoughtful, intellectually stimulating year.
This Summer I indulged in all kinds of idiot-stick pastimes, such as drinking a can of root beer on my balcony, lying out in the sun with no sunscreen on and venturing out to the theater to endure Cowboys and Aliens.

A typical, mindless blockbustery action film, Cowboys and Aliens will delight the raggedy ass masses with its strict adherence to action film formula. Shit gets blown up and things are shot at. Why? Who the fuck cares when Daniel Craig is parading about in chaps like the leather clad vagina tease he is. But seriously, if watching Daniel Craig strut about in leather chaps for two hours straight is your idea of a good time, you will be in your element with this flick! If not, you are lame and may as well stay home and watch Touched By An Angel re-runs, crying into your glass of Crystal Lite.

Moving on.....

I think I am just more of a Fall kind of girl. I love the smoky smell of Autumn air, the crinkly leaves, eating squash, carving pumpkins, Halloween, frost, darkness, death......Fall is for intellectuals. Summer is for twits.

The beautiful trails and nature spots are practically deserted in the fall, winter and spring - but summer is when the twits surface from their twit-dens so they can meander in front of me on jogging trails, take up parking spots at the beach with their gigantic GMC trucks and bullshit SUVs, parading their squeally spawn about and just generally annoying me with their human presence. The iffy weather this Summer has provided some relief, as any minor amount of cloud seems to keep the moronic hordes at bay - but as soon as the overrated Sun comes out, watch yourself!

But having said all that, Summer has some saving graces......for example, I fucking love farmer's markets! Just this evening I bought my whole dinner at my local farmers market -  a delicious loaf of organic, slow rise kalamata olive and rosemary bread, cucumbers, cherry tomatoes and other stuff. I made a greek salad and ate it with the bread - dipping my bread into gratuitous amounts of olive oil. It was so wonderful I almost forgot that I was smack-dab in the middle of dumbfuck season!

So by this point I know exactly what you are thinking - Which category do I fall into? Am I a Moron of Summer or an Autumn Intellectual? For this reason, I have designed an in-depth personality quiz so you can get a clear idea as to where you stand on the dimwit scale.

1) When packing your bag for a day at the 
beach, which "beach read" do you pick?

a) Extraordinary Evil: A Brief History of
Genocide

b) Expecting the Cowboy's Baby

2) After a hot, lazy day in the sun, you decide to spend the evening in an air conditioned theatre. Which film do you choose to watch?

a) Schindler's List

b) Footloose (the remake, not the original)

3) You are all alone, lying on the beach, basking in the sun, when Robert Pattinson and Zac Efron suddenly appear out of nowhere and beg you for sex. Which one do you pounce on first?

a) Robert Pattinson

b) Zac Efron

4) Or, your in your boat shooting fish when suddenly Helen Mirren and Megan Fox just drop out of the sky and try to seduce you - who do you find most alluring?

a) Helen Mirren

b) Megan Fox

5) It's a hot Summer's night and you are inside channel surfing. Which show do you opt to watch?

a) A National Geographic documentary on elephants.

b) The Girls Next Door

 
6) Which sex position appears most appealing?



a) The confusing one that looks totally complicated and smart.

b) The way animals and drunks do it.

Okay, now tally up your answers! If you answered mostly A's, congratulations - you are most likely a witty and refined individual of superior ilk. However, if you answered mostly B's you are a complete dumbass with a below average intelligence and there is absolutely no hope for you. But the good news is that Summer was created just for you - you have your very own season. So don't be afraid to get out there and really savor that Tim Horton's Ice Cap as you shuffle in front of me when I am trying to jog - after all, you've waited all year to do it! And if your a small child, don't hold back when you throw that epic Tantrum on the Beach. If your a 20-something douche bag in an SUV....crank that shitty Pit Bull song as you cruise through the parking lot! Yeah! Get out there and make the most of it while you still can....because Summer is almost over.

Juicing, Spirulina and Why Marriage Sucks

Well, it is now July, over two months since my last post and I still cannot think of anything to blog about. I haven't watched any shitty movies lately, except for Killers which was total shit on a stick, yet too unmemorable to write a mean review of. Then I thought maybe I should write a review of the meditation cds I have been enjoying immensely (http://www.meditainment.com/) - they are indeed like crack to me and I simply could not live without them. But I got bored just thinking about writing on that topic.

The height of extravagance

However, on a more exciting note, I bought a juicer. It takes about half the veggies in my fridge just to produce one delightfully fresh glass of juice! Its enough fruits and veggies to feed a roomful of starving children for a week, but instead it is turned into a liquid snack for Kate! The juicer is rather wasteful as once it extracts all the juice from fruits and veggies, it leaves behind alot of dry fiber. At first, I tried to find recipes and ideas of ways to utilize this fiber, as it just seemed a bit naughty to throw it all out. I don't like to be wasteful, but then I thought, fuck it. If there is one thing I hate more than being unethical and harmful to the environment, its being ethical and "green".

Speaking of green, I recently began drinking Spirulina powder mixed with water. I bought the Hawaiian Spirulina Pacifica at my local grocery store in the health food aisle. Once the powder is thoroughly mixed with the water it looks and smells like a swamp. Spirulina is basically algae taken from the mystical depths of the ocean and then dried into powder form. Anyway, its just like you are drinking swamp water, which sounds bad, but is actually wonderful. I think it brings back fond memories of all those past lives that I had in the ocean (as fish, mermaids, sea creatures, whatever).

So basically, to sum things up, my life has been truly enriched by juicing, guided acid trip meditation cds and drinking Spirulina. Not very interesting and certainly not enough to write a blog post on.
I was lamenting this conundrum to my friend Ashley and she suggested I blog about how annoyed I am that now I am almost 30, I am often asked why I am not married and if and when I plan to have children.
At first the thought of openly talking about this filled me with fear - I didn't want to offend anyone or sound preachy and opinionated. Really, I just wanted to exist quietly - sipping my juice, meditating and "forgetting" to recycle. But then, once again, I thought fuck it! Who wants to go pussyfooting through life petrified of stepping on others toes? Where is the mischief in that?

So let me start from the beginning.....a few years ago, after I graduated from university, I began to notice that the "what are you going to do when you graduate?" question was quickly being replaced with "when are you getting married?" and later, "When will you have children?" This didn't seem too irksome at first, until all of a sudden I was being asked this question by nearly everyone, everywhere I went. I didn't really reach boiling point until the other day, when I was asked these questions by three separate people, in three separate places, all before lunchtime. Enough is enough. People need to back the fuck off. Seriously.

I think part of my frustration stems from the fact that I never really have a good answer.

The conversation usually goes like this:  when are you getting married? never. why not? its not my thing. but do you want children? i dont know. how old are you? 29. hmmm.

I don't say what I really want to - instead I hold back and then feel all bitter about it later.
I choose not to marry because I think marriage sucks - it is a patriarchal institution designed by and for men so that they could ensure which offspring was theirs - and I want no part of that shitshow.

Also, romance is a lie. The institution of marriage has been packaged up like a hobo at a drag show, falsely marketed as "romance" and sold to women by society, all with the hidden agenda of selling diamonds, supporting the wedding industry and duping women into choosing a lifestyle that supports consumerism, Capitalism, the government and other depressing patriarchal structures. There are better choices out there for women - and for men. This is the first time in history that women can comfortably choose not to marry without joining a convent or suffering harsh social criticism - and really, that is quite profound and liberating.
The right to remain blissfully unmarried should be celebrated by this generation and not taken for granted.

But getting back to my bitterness - when people announce their engagements and pregnancies, no one ever asks "why?" (well, i do - but nice people don't). Instead, they are congratulated. And I know that I will never be congratulated for choosing not to marry or have a plethora of offspring - because this culture celebrates that which chains you down (marriage, babies, mortgages, jobs and promotions) and mourns that which sets you free (death, job loss, divorce).

A part of me thinks this is all part of a government conspiracy to keep everyone busy and distracted - it's hard to notice the dysfunction and corruption in a society when your energy is all wrapped up in going to work so you can feed your children and pay the mortgage - let alone be able to muster the energy to challenge such dysfunction. At the end of a long day at work, you just want to watch "The Girls Next Door" or "Keeping up with the Kardashians" on your big flat screen TV, not rally against social injustice!
But then I remember that conspiracies take organization, planning, foresight and cooperation and a wave of relief washes over me.

Who wants to fight social ills when they could plug into this?

A Love Letter to Denise Austin

 I have an embarrassing confession....I am completely obsessed with Denise Austin. For those of you who don't know who Denise Austin is, let me introduce you....

Denise Austin

 Since the 80's, Denise has been making workout videos and appearing on TV as a fitness expert.
I first became aware of her glorious presence on planet earth when I accidentally borrowed one of her DVDs from the library. The DVD was Burn Fat Fast Cardio Blast and it changed my life forever.

I don't normally do workout DVDs, but something told me this one would be different.
At first I hated Denise......she teaches aerobics like a coked up cheerleader, constantly shouting out stupid shit like "YOU'LL LOOK GREAT IN A BIKINI!" and "STRONG BODIES!"at the most annoying moments.

I only planned on doing the workout DVD once, but for some reason it kept calling to me and I ended up using it nearly every day for two straight weeks! The DVD features a five minute warm-up, four ten minute cardio workouts (kickboxing, interval training, retro aerobics and latin dance) and a five minute cool-down and stretch. I would tell myself that I would only do one ten minute workout but usually ended up doing three or four - she is that awesome! The workouts are varied, easy to follow and fun and Denise shouts things at you the whole time, like "squeeze that rear end! If you don't, no one else will!" and "c'mon! Get in the BEST shape of yoooour life!"

In fact, Denise never shuts up. Many people find this irritating, as I was horrified to discover when I read some of her DVD reviews on Amazon. I too found this annoying at first, but she grew on me and I found myself looking forward each day to the time that Denise and I would spend together. In no time I was even mumbling some of Denise's favorite lines like "you've burned fat! you've burned calories!" while I prepared myself a post-workout sandwich.

It wasn't long before I developed an unhealthy curiosity about Denise and I ventured onto YouTube in search of more information. I found many videos of her from the early 80's and was confused by the fact that she appeared to be the same age then as she is now. I was even more shocked to find out that she is in her mid 50's, when I had guessed her to be around 30. But the most shocking part of it all was the discovery that I was not alone in my Denise Austin obsession - there were countless others out there, too, most of them with YouTube channels dedicated solely to posting videos of Denise, some in slow motion set to masturbation music. For every Denise Austin video on YouTube, there are endless perverted comments from sad, horny men, which I read with abject horror and disgust. Here is an offensive sampling of the typical comments:

mmmmhmmmm, oh yeah, work it. work it. I'm getting sweaty all over. my inner thigh is so toned now. and so is my forearm.

I'd do things to her I wouldnt do to a farm animal.

I'd love to sniff her feet after they're all sweaty and been in socks all day!!

Oh my God those thighs in high quality make me hard enough to cut diamonds.

Those tips really help me "excercise". ;) 

to see the power in those sexy thighs as she is thrusting her hips i can't do any thing but have an explosion so intense i get a little dizzy sometimes 

denise was responsible for a 10% spike in tissue sales all over the country..

Anyhow, you get the idea. This is what 98% of the comments are like on any Denise video. Just go on YouTube and look if you don't believe me. Some of the comments are valid, particularly for the 80's videos where Denise is clad in a bikini and repeatedly spreading her legs, but the leering comments are also present on many of the more recent videos which have absolutely nothing remotely sexual about them. I tried to find a Denise Austin YouTube video that had at least one normal, non-pervo comment and it was hopeless! I was baffled by this, yet felt a strange sympathy for these creepers since I, too, was inexplicably drawn to Denise, although for different reasons....

Next, I ordered Denise's book "Get Energy" from the Library and read it cover to cover like a twelve year old reads a Tiger Beat magazine. She gives some good snack suggestions, like rice cakes with peanut butter and sliced bananas or Ryvita crackers with cottage cheese and tomatoes. I tried both these snacks and found them to be quick and satisfying. I also liked that she advocated taking small stretch and breathing breaks throughout the day. Her book includes pictures of her doing various stretches in what is presumably her living room, revealing that she has horrid taste in furniture and decor - its all very floral and busy.

What I like about Denise is that she is completely different from all those other fitness wack jobs out there, such as Jillian Micheals, who has the persona of a super-serious corpse. Denise is bubbly in a refreshing, authentic way because unlike all the other fitness nitwits on TV, she knows that exercise was not meant to be serious. Colon cancer is serious, exercise should be light and fun. Denise tells me that an effective 20 minute a day exercise routine is all I need to stay fit and that calorie counting is for losers. I like that. I like it so much that I bought seven of Denise's DVDs.

Here are my top three:

Quick Burn Cardio is by far the most challenging of all my Denise DVDs. Each workout is only 20 minutes, yet it is intense enough that you really feel like you've done your exercise for the day. It is heavy on the lunges and squats and there seems to be alot of jumping and bouncing around, so perhaps not great if you have any knee problems.But otherwise a great workout!
Denise shouts out "BLAST THAT FAT! BURN THOSE CALORIES! YOU CAN DO IT!" and it makes me feel like a real winner once I'm done.




Get Fit Daily Dozen is another good one. This DVD consists of five 12 minute workouts (two cardio, upper body strength, lower body strength and stretching).
You can mix and match or just do one of the workouts if your short on time.
This is perfect if you only have 12-15 minutes in the morning before work or if you are tired after a long day but still want to squeeze a quick workout in while the dinner is in the oven. These workouts are energizing and fun and Denise will tell you repeatedly to "burn that butter" and that "you are worth it!"


Boot Camp Total Body Blast is another challenging DVD with two fun workouts. At first I was really scared to do this one since its called "Boot Camp" and Denise is looking pretty tough on the cover, but really it is easier than Quick Burn Cardio. There is a bit of jumping in this one as well, and I am always expecting the people who live below me to come up and murder me when I am doing this one, but it hasn't happened yet.
Perv alert! There is a ten minute stretching segment at the end, where Denise says things like "OOOAAAHH! FEELS SOOOOOO GOOOOOD!" during every stretch.

 Here is a sample Denise workout video that I did this morning.

 So to sum things up, Denise is like a wonderful, magnificent ray of sunshine at the beginning of my day. I never thought I was the kind of person who likes to be told I'm "worth it" and to just "do the best that you can do!" while I am working out, but I guess I am.
I am proud to say I am a big fan of  Denise Austin and I highly recommend her DVDs and books. As Denise would say......ITS WORTH IT!!!!!!

To finish things off, here are my two favourite retro Denise vids, enjoy!:

Red Riding Hood - A Film Review by Kate

Tonight I went on an excursion to my local theater to watch the film Red Riding Hood, a film about a medieval village terrorized by a werewolf. It was a terrible film, for many reasons - wooden acting, airhead dialogue, lame plot, etc, etc, but that is not why I left the theater feeling disappointed and deeply wronged.

Don't let this picture fool you...

I went to see Red Riding Hood under the premise that it was going to be juicy and raunchy, filled with the same teen angsty, throbbing hormones hungriness that Twilight had. If you watch the preview, you see scene after scene of forest sex, bodice ripping, and breathless grinding - all things I love! But be forewarned- those are the ONLY sex scenes in the entire movie, they just deceptively showed all of them in the preview and when you see the film you realize that they aren't really sex scenes at all, just fully clothed, PG grinding that lasts a few seconds and leads nowhere. The fact that Catherine Hardwick (Twilight director), who is quite capable of producing high calibre teen smut scenes, also directed this film raised my hopes even higher.

Male Model Sneer

 So this is my main beef with this movie. There are many others, but all would have been overlooked if Catherine Hardwicke had delivered the raunchiness that was promised to me in the previews.
It doesn't help that there is ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL CHEMISTRY between the two main characters, Valerie and Peter, played by Amanda Seyfreid and Shiloh Fernandez. In fact, the two seem rather disgusted with each other - Peter looks like an Italian male model with a constant sneer and Valerie just seems bored during the "romance" scenes, like she's trying to fantasize about someone else - I know that look, sister! You can't fool me. This could, in part, be because Peter turns out to be more of a bodice un-lacer than a bodice ripper type, although more likely he is gay and they both know it.

The only scene that possessed an ounce of sexual tension was a brief conversation between Peter(Valerie/Amanda Seyfried's love interest) and Henry (the man she is supposed to marry but does not love). While Valerie has been arrested for witchcraft by the authorities, Peter and Henry put their rivalry aside and join forces to plot her rescue. They gaze at each other intensely and throw dialogue back and forth like a horny game of squash - its very hot and very gay and at this point in the film I would just be happy with a hot, gay scene. But alas, they part and the film returns to its neutered, asexual ways.

Moving on to the films other weaknesses, I found myself being continually reminded of the 90's show Xena: Warrior Princess. The clothing had a real halloween costume vibe and seemed kind of over the top and the village where the film takes place had the feel of a stage set for a corny play. The characters clothing also seemed very weather inappropriate - it was often snowing, yet everyone was skipping about in thin cotton shirts and short sleeves. All of this would have made the film campy and fun, had there been some campy sex thrown in, but since there isn't, you are left asking yourself  "If there are no hot guys or pounding sex why am I watching this piece of crap?" Smallville has more beefcake than this movie.

The strangest part of the film takes place when the townspeople are celebrating with an outdoor village dance - there are people in pig masks, rolling around and banging on pots and pans and drinking and vomiting. Suddenly, Valerie spots Peter dancing all nasty with the village skank. Not to be outdone, she drags one of her homely girlfriends up and starts grinding all up on her and then this modernish dance music starts up, and they start busting out moves that seem like they are coming right out of a Britney Spears or Miley Cirus Video. It's a Gaelic dance off!

However, the most disturbing aspect of Red Riding Hood, is that there are some big name actors in it. Virginia Madsen (Sideways) plays Valerie's mother, Gary Oldman is the witch-hunter, and the grandmother is played by Julie Christie. I don't know why or how the creators of this film managed to get so many names, but I am guessing they convinced everyone that it was going to be the next Twilight.

And then there's the wolf....

I don't know what to say about the wolf, really. The wolf in this movie just seems cheesy, as does all the special effects. How cheesy? you ask. Think Taylor Lautner's wig in the first Twilight movie cheesy - yes, its that bad! I will leave it at that.

There isn't really much to like about this movie. I came to the theatre with low expectations - I was hoping to see a solid B movie with some glimpses of skin, a little cleavage and chiseled abs peppered here and there between steamy makeout scenes and unbridled passion. I really wanted to like this movie.
I want to emphasize that all of the films flaws would have been generously overlooked (perhaps even enjoyed on some level) had there been some campy sizzle between the actors - just something hotter than the limpdick romance scenes I was subjected to tonight. This movie made the Twilight movies look like Oscar contenders.

Skip it!

Just in Time for Valentines...

With Valentines Day looming around the corner and my romantic relationship in need of some sparkle, I was feeling the pressure. You know its bad when your significant other tells you that they want to stay home this Valentines because they just can't face sitting across from you for two hours, desperately trying to come up with things to say. So I knew I needed help......but where could I turn to?

I instinctively began organizing my bookshelf, for lack a better activity on a Friday afternoon.
Low and behold, my fingers brushed against the tattered and crusty cover of a long-coveted book...The Total Woman by Marabel Morgan.

I had forgotten about this gem of a book that I had purchased years ago at a second hand bookstore as a joke. I originally intended to give the book as a gift to someone I hated, but the priceless wisdom contained within its yellowed pages made it too invaluable to give up. So it has remained on my bookshelf all these years.

The cover promises that the book will show you "how to make your marriage come alive!" and the lobotomized gaze of the author smiling optimistically at me from the back cover made me feel hopeful, despite her horrific hair. If only I knew how to lobotomize myself, I thought, my relationship would be SO much better!

I hesitantly cracked the paperback open and inhaled that classic motel 6 smell (Lysol, semen and cigarette butts) that rose up from the pages. I casually flipped through the book and almost threw it across the room when I read, on page 96, "it is only when a woman surrenders her life to her husband, reveres and worships him, and is willing to serve him, that she becomes really beautiful to him. She becomes a priceless jewel, the glory of femininity, his queen!" This is followed up with some Biblical examples.

However, I thought I would give the book a chance. After all, of the many different ways to spice up my relationship, I had not yet tried losing all of my self respect. Since the lobotomy wasn't really an option, perhaps this was the next best thing!

So I read on....

I began with reading the chapter on "Supersex", which wasn't as exciting as I had hoped.
"For super sex tonight, respond eagerly to your husband's advances. Don't just endure."
Well, that's just unrealistic. This sex advice is then followed by more Bible quotes.
Marabel Morgan then tells me I must "be mentally and physically prepared for sex every night of the week" (Really, bitch?)
Anyhow, to give her credit, she does suggest pairing babydoll pajamas with hooker boots. Not bad advice.

My favorite part of the whole book is when Marabel reminds us that men get better looking with age, but women only look worse, so they must try super duper hard to make up for looking like shit.
"One of your husbands most basic needs is for you to be physically attractive to him" She tells us. Really? My man's most BASIC need is for me to look hot?Ms Morgan goes on to remind us that there are plenty of sexy secretaries flitting about his office wearing enticing perfume, while we are at home, "slumped over a coffee in grubby undies."
Is that stepford robot hiding under my sofa? I wonder. Although hot secretaries are a rare species these days, so she doesn't have me there.

And here is my favourite quote:

"Your husband wants the girl of his dreams to be feminine, soft and touchable when he comes home. Thats his need. If you are dumpy, stringy, or exhausted, he's sorry he came. That first look tells him your nerves are shot. His dinner is shot. And you'd both like to shoot the kids. Is it any wonder so many men come home late, if at all?"
(I just like this quote because of the child-murder reference which just comes out of left field)

Moving on....

I decide to give some of Marabel's suggestions a go. I only have my dignity and self-respect to lose, so why not?
I begin with following her advice to "be interested in his interests" and immediately make a bee line for my laptop to begin studying up on World of Warcraft and porn.
Marabel tells a story of how after reading up on football, she spent an entire day practicing saying a particular football players name so she could casually drop it during dinner conversation. Her husband Charlie was so excited, he responded by frantically dry humping her leg for forty minutes straight!
My reference to Guilds and ATM over Minestrone didn't get the same reaction.

Feeling a little crushed, I then applied another of Marabel's tactics - hero worship. This is where you emphasize your husband's most manly of features and wax poetic about how amazing he is - its ego stroking 101. Nothing wrong with that.

"The way you strut around this place in those Birkenstocks and socks really makes you seem dominant" I tell him. "And the way you place dirty cutlery in the sink after I have told you to put it in the cutlery container a thousand times makes you seem rebellious, like you are your own man. Its really hot."
Unfortunately he assumed I was mocking him and told me to "eat sh*t and die", which was horrible for me, since I was really making the effort to be more passive and agreeable.

I toyed with the idea of taking Marabel's advice regarding being sexually available 24-7 or her advice about agreeing with everything my man says and saying "yes!" to everything he suggests, but this all seemed rather tiresome. So instead I thought I would try her suggestion of being "pleasant to look at, be with and talk to. Walk your husband to his car each morning and wave until he's out of sight."

I normally wear grungy old jogging pants and grease stained t-shirts, accented with a wool cardigan around the house. I never wear makeup at home and rarely put on deoderant unless I'm going somewhere. That was all going to change! I got up extra early to shower and shave. Then I straightened my hair with a flat iron so I no longer had my usual "grizzled" look, as my significant other calls it. After applying perfume and makeup, I dressed in clothing that had a distinct non-hobo look to it. I was all set.

I greeted my man with the cheeriness and glee of a lobotomized housewife of the 1960's.
"Where are you going?" he asks, suspiciously.
"Nowhere!" I chirp, widening my eyes as I smile and try to look just like Marabel Morgan.

"I know - you're having an affair!"

Well, Marabel, I tried. I really did try. But it just didn't work out for me. I guess I am not a Total Woman after all. So perhaps instead I will order some crotchless panties from the Fredericks of Hollywood website and call it a day.

And really, I think Marabel would approve.