Ads That Suck

This is my first blog post in almost four months. I had almost given up on the whole blogging experience. Every time I sat down to write I would get halfway through a ranty paragraph about turning thirty or my addiction to cheese, when it would suddenly hit me - only five people will read this...if I'm lucky.

I was on the verge of throwing in my blogging towel and calling it a day when I saw an advertisement on my television that filled my heart with such rage and hatred that I instantly snapped out of my lethargic, whiny,"but no body reads my blog" haze and decided to come out of blogger retirement once and for all.

Let me tell it from the beginning.....it was a dark and rainy night and I was home alone eating shrimp curry and watching the MTV series Teen Wolf, which by the way, is like porn to me. Anyhow, a commercial for Crest Whitestrips came on. You have probably seen it since it seems to come on every five seconds. But if you haven't, here it is for your viewing pleasure:

Its always interesting when an advertisement attempts to make a problem out of something that just simply isn't. Like needing perfectly white teeth in order to go on a road trip with your friends. In the commercial, a youngish woman who looks old enough to know better hesitates when her two friends suggest a road trip, since her teeth just aren't fucking white enough. Really? Who does that? Who hesitates to do anything because their teeth aren't perfectly white? Nobody, that's who - much to Crest's disappointment, which is why they need to brainwash people with these ads.

So thankfully this horrid woman buys Crest Whitestrips, which only take two hours to whiten her teeth (the time it takes to drive to Vegas! Yippee!). Thank God for Crest Whitestrips, otherwise this poor girl would have had to pass on the road trip. And its a good thing she didn't do that because once these three sluts make it to Vegas, a MAN looks at them and asks "where are you guys headed?" and she's all like "hmff, hmff...i think were here", as if this guy is just some pesky boner slapping her in the face when she's trying to read the morning paper and not the entire stupid reason for the girly road trip and Whitestrips in the first fucking place.

So not only is Crest trying to implant me with the idea of needing freshly bleached teeth in order to enjoy myself in public, but they are making me hate women as well. And there is enough misogynistic stuff out there.

But this ad got me thinking....it got me thinking about other ads that also piss me off. And to be honest, there are quite a few of them. Another one is that Kotex tampon commercial that plays CONSTANTLY. I know you have seen it, especially if you watch Degrassi: The Next Generation while you eat your dinner alone. Here is the bloody commercial (no pun intended!):

In this ad, the irritating menstrual blood girl shows us all the bizarre ways she hides her tampons and the question "Why are we so embarrassed by our periods?" is asked.
Initially this question comes across as pro-feminist. Yes, why indeed are we so embarras.....wait! we're embarrassed by our periods!? I had no idea. That's right - this would be a legitimate question if it wasn't for the simple fact that we AREN'T embarrassed by our periods. Unless you're a twelve year old girl. But judging from the number of teenage girls who have posted "how to put in a tampon" videos on YouTube (I've done my research), I don't think they are embarrassed either.

I remember once in high school I asked a boy I didn't like if he wanted a cigar and then pulled a tampon out of my bag and offered it to him as if I hadn't yet noticed it was a Tampax Super Plus tampon. No one laughed. Personally, I thought it was quite witty.

Another commercial that makes me want to chuck my half empty bottle of Jim Beam at the TV screen is the one for the First Response home pregnancy test. I couldn't find a YouTube video of it, so you will have to rely solely on my literary dramatization of it. If you have watched any TV in the last year you will have seen this ad - like the Whitestrips and Kotex tampon ads, it runs every fucking five minutes.

It begins with this wholesome looking woman gazing at you through your TV screen with this unsettling, serious, dewy eyed expression as she says "Imagine...knowing your pregnant the moment it happens".

Okay, I've imagined it, and now I am feeling all vomity and clammy....just what I need while I'm trying to enjoy the dewy young man-meat in Teen Wolf. Then she natters on a bit about how First Response can detect early pregnancy, blah blah blah, but the whole time I just want to strangle her. I am TRIGGERED by this ad so much and I am not sure exactly why. I feel like this advertisement is just very presumptive. The wholesome, sentimental woman in the ad seems to assume that viewers at home consider discovering your pregnant to be a good thing and not your worst nightmare. Which is interesting since I am willing to bet both my ovaries that the majority of women buying home pregnancy tests are hoping they aren't knocked up. Its just a guess, I don't really know for sure.

However, I think I'm really onto something here. Perhaps their target audience should be the I hope like fuck I'm not preggers group rather than the mature, oh so serious, planned pregnancy group. I think First Response would sell waaaay more pregnancy tests if they framed their product in a more fun, positive light by featuring young girls expressing relief when they pee on the First Response stick and discover they aren't pregnant.

In fact, if you watch the Crest Whitestrips ad at the beginning of this blog post but imagine its for a First Response home pregnancy test instead of Whitestrips, it actually makes a lot more sense. Three foolish young ladies plan a road trip, but one of them hesitates because she suspects she could be pregnant. So she takes the pregnancy test and realizes she isn't....PARTY TIME! VEGAS! This would actually make me want to buy a First Response test, even if I didn't think I was pregnant....just to experience the relief and joy that comes with reaffirming my non-pregnant status.

On a different note, I have joined Twitter. Despite years of vehemently declaring that tweeting is for twits, I have caved in a last ditch effort to actually promote this blog. My goal is to get ten blog subscribers by the end of this year.....or even ten twitter followers....I am not picky. So if you want to follow me on twitter, click on the twitter thing at the top left of this page. I promise to deliver scandalous, offensive tweets on a regular basis. You won't be disappointed......