Facebook Personality Types, Chapter One

If your on Facebook, you've probably noticed that people post stupid shit. Perhaps you are one of these people. Well, for the past several months I have been carefully scrutinizing my facebook feed and silently judging everything everyone posts. So far, I have managed to identify 10 categories of Facebook posters. Since I know your attention span is short, I will only share the first three Facebook personality types....

1) The Inspirational Quoter

This person frequently posts inspirational quotes on their Facebook page, most often accompanied by scenic and heartwarming pictures of sunsets, butterflies and mountains. "Reach for the Stars!", "You can do it", "Your unique like a snowflake!"
The Inspirational Quoter means well. Spreading positivity and joy via their facebook page is important to them and they simply want to brighten your day....or do they?

When I log onto my Facebook feed and see an inspirational quote by Wayne Dyer with a rainbow backdrop, I think "how nice" and then I smile. But when I scroll down and see not just one, but several inspirational quotes, a heavy darkness descends on my heart. Why in God's name are there SO MANY inspirational quotes in my newsfeed?

Because life on Earth is a fucking disaster, that's why. Do you think if we lived in a world of peace, love and joy that these inane, uplifting quotes would even exist? I think not. On some level, most of us are on the brink of complete breakdown, but are still barely holding on thanks to seeing a picture of a lotus flower with an Eckhart Tolle Quote beside it that someone just posted to their Facebook timeline.

2) The Outraged Informer

Pedophile on the loose! Rapist just escaped from prison! Environmental disaster on the horizon! Can you believe it?! This is an outrage! Sign this petition! This needs to be STOPPED!

The world is a scary, unjust and dangerous place and we need to know about it every time we log onto Facebook, according to the Outraged Informer. Because they care about humanity, they have taken it upon themselves to diligently report about all the bad people, horrible events and impending disasters that exist. So we can be prepared. They also watch and read The News like its gospel. Their main motto is: THIS SHOULDN'T BE HAPPENING!

And thank goodness for these Facebook types, because if it weren't for them posting disturbing news stories that I find myself compelled to read at 11:45pm right before I go to bed each night, I might actually be able to breath easy and have a good nights sleep.

3) The Gloater

Somewhere between the Inspirational Quoters and the Outraged Informers lay the Gloaters. Like the Outraged Informers, they also want to inform you....on how fabulous their lives are! But unlike the Inspirational Quoters, their aim is not to uplift you and prevent suicide, but to strike jealousy, resentment and inferiority into the very core of your being.

The Gloater posts things like:

"Sipping Pomegranate martinis and watching the sun go down from a rooftop in Barcelona!!!! Can't believe how amazing my life is!"

or  

"Jetting off to Hawaii with the love of my life for a month of surfing with dolphins and having mind blowing sex on the beach!"

or even

"Having lunch at Olive & Thyme with George Clooney and the gang."

These people are assholes. If your a gentle soul, like myself, you might be tempted to think that these people mean well and don't intend to annoy, but to merely express their gratitude for their amazing lives. But no. They are assholes.

And they intend to make you feel as if your life pales in comparison to their grand adventures and celebrity hobb-knobbing. Whatever you do don't click "like" or respond to this claptrap. Instead, click "hide all updates." There - now you've won.

Tune in next week when I heartlessly lampoon the next three Facebook personality types - Gratitude Queens, Kryptic Posters (aka Attention Whores) and the worst of the bunch....Parents! I will not rest until I have equally offended everyone on my  friends list.

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Jewel... Who Will Save Your Soul? Now That Satan Owns It...

When I first saw this video, I watched with abject horror, my mouth hanging open, gasps of shock and disbelief escaping me every time Jewel sang the word "Walmart" with what appeared to be a truly genuine sense of glee. All I could think was: She sold her soul to Satan!, she sold her soul to Satan!

At the beginning of the video, my first thought is that Jewel looks pretty perky and sunshiny for the ripe old age of 38. But I guess that's just part of the deal. Everlasting youth. Anyhow, Jewel is all giggles and smiles in a horrific yellow shirt that was clearly purchased at walmart - maybe it was part of the deal to? Perhaps it was thrown in as an extra - your soul in exchange for everlasting youth, riches, fame and....this striped yellow tunic made in China. Deal!

Okay, so Jewel and her defeated cleavage are rocking this yellow disaster as she sings about how great Walmart is. Why is Walmart great, Jewel? Because Walmart has:

stacks of candy
brown gravy
50 lb bags of chicken mcnuggets (WTF?!)
yogurt by the bucket
ice cream (which counts as calcium! hardy har har!)
chocolate chip cookies
pecan snookies (whatever the fuck those are)
popcorn snacks
croissant rolls
jelly rolls
soda fountains
snow cones
BBQ chicken
brownies in a box

If Jewel does a remix of this song she could call it Diabetes Dubstep!

But before I go in for the kill, I want to cut Jewel some slack. The original version of this song is not about Walmart, it is just about a supermarket (an evil supermarket that sells artery exploding foods in bizarrely large quantities). So she only changed the song lyrics for this special Walmart party. Perhaps she didn't even know she was being filmed. One can only hope.

So not only is Jewel selling out by enthusiastically singing about Walmart, but she's creating a children's song that is clearly meant to brainwash the next generation into craving monstrous foods like 50 lb bags of chicken mcnuggets and snow cones. Does your depravity know no bounds, Jewel?

But its hard to hate Jewel. She just seems so nice. She seems like maybe she really truly believes that Walmart is a super duper magical place the helps everyone save money and live better! And I will point out that Jewel is not the only celebrity to sell out lately....check out what Brad Pitt's been up to...

Okay, so maybe he isn't exactly "selling out", since its just a perfume ad, but come on! Doesn't this dude have enough money yet? Was this ad really necessary? And does anyone else think its weird how serious he takes this perfume? I mean, its just a perfume Brad, stop mind-wanking yourself over it already.

So now I turn to you, faithful blog readers....what is your favourite celebrity sell out?

Ryan Gosling....is not that hot

When did Ryan Gosling become the benchmark for sexy?

Anytime someone is trying to describe how hot someone is or make a reference to their outlandish sexual fantasies, Ryan Gosling is mentioned.

Here are a few examples:
"I wouldn't sleep with him unless he was Ryan Gosling! Teeheehee!"
"All I want for my birthday is Ryan Gosling jumping out of a cake!"
"Last night I dreamed I was being served chocolate covered strawberries by a naked Ryan Gosling!"
"My ideal man would be a cross between Ryan Gosling and....Ryan Gosling! Bwahaha!"
"The male stripper was a splitting image of......Ryan Fucking Gosling!"

Nearly every blog post these days makes reference to Ryan Gosling as if he were the only hot guy on the planet. The other day I was washing dishes, listening to the radio and the radio announcer made some stupid Ryan Gosling comment and I thought there it is again! It must be a conspiracy!

I suspect that the American government has some sort of plan to brainwash women into going along with their political agenda and the first step is to indoctrinate them into thinking Ryan Gosling is the sexiest man alive. That is the first step. Then once that is accomplished, it will be easier to implant other, more ludicrous ideas into their minds.

But I am getting off topic. My main point is that Ryan Gosling is really not all that hot. Not just in my own personal opinion, but in reality. Although the two rarely differ.

Sure, Ryan Gosling may be cute. Attractive even! And if he begged me to have sex with him, I just might. But I certainly don't waste any time fantasizing about Ryan Gosling wearing nothing but a bow-tie, serving me chocolate strawberries in bed, while the latest god awful Micheal Buble song warbles in the background. And neither should you. Get it together.

I am now convinced that Ryan Gosling is the male equivalent of Megan Fox, that insipid twit who men with no substance or taste find attractive. But maybe I am being too cruel. Gosling, after all, looks normal. And maybe that is what I have been trying to get across.

Ryan Gosling is just a normal looking dude. Kind of cute and charming. Seems reasonably intelligent. But c'mon people! He is definitely NOT the benchmark for sexy. And yet....so many people out there insist that he is.

But why? Why him?

Is it because he was in The Notebook? Which was, by the way, one of the most horrid, awful movies of all time. I realize that because I am a chick I am supposed to automatically LOVE The Notebook. But guess what? I didn't. I hated it. It was sappy and manipulative in ways that were cliche and nauseating and it makes me angry whenever it's mere name is mentioned.

So in the name of research I went creeping on the internet, trying to discover what it is about Ryan Gosling that so many women find so irresistable. I didn't get far. I made it to YouTube and watched countless videos, including this one:

By the time I was done I was so horny I had to cool myself down with a cold glass of Crystal Lite and re-watch The Notebook to snap myself out of the robotic mind-control brainwashing that was beginning to take place inside my mind.

But that's not important. What is important is my prediction that this Ryan Gosling spell that everyone seems to be under will only lead to the inevitable. Mark my words, Ryan Gosling will be on the cover of People magazine's 2012 Sexiest Man Alive issue - as the Sexiest Man Alive. Which, of course, he is not.

Ads That Suck

This is my first blog post in almost four months. I had almost given up on the whole blogging experience. Every time I sat down to write I would get halfway through a ranty paragraph about turning thirty or my addiction to cheese, when it would suddenly hit me - only five people will read this...if I'm lucky.

I was on the verge of throwing in my blogging towel and calling it a day when I saw an advertisement on my television that filled my heart with such rage and hatred that I instantly snapped out of my lethargic, whiny,"but no body reads my blog" haze and decided to come out of blogger retirement once and for all.

Let me tell it from the beginning.....it was a dark and rainy night and I was home alone eating shrimp curry and watching the MTV series Teen Wolf, which by the way, is like porn to me. Anyhow, a commercial for Crest Whitestrips came on. You have probably seen it since it seems to come on every five seconds. But if you haven't, here it is for your viewing pleasure:

Its always interesting when an advertisement attempts to make a problem out of something that just simply isn't. Like needing perfectly white teeth in order to go on a road trip with your friends. In the commercial, a youngish woman who looks old enough to know better hesitates when her two friends suggest a road trip, since her teeth just aren't fucking white enough. Really? Who does that? Who hesitates to do anything because their teeth aren't perfectly white? Nobody, that's who - much to Crest's disappointment, which is why they need to brainwash people with these ads.

So thankfully this horrid woman buys Crest Whitestrips, which only take two hours to whiten her teeth (the time it takes to drive to Vegas! Yippee!). Thank God for Crest Whitestrips, otherwise this poor girl would have had to pass on the road trip. And its a good thing she didn't do that because once these three sluts make it to Vegas, a MAN looks at them and asks "where are you guys headed?" and she's all like "hmff, hmff...i think were here", as if this guy is just some pesky boner slapping her in the face when she's trying to read the morning paper and not the entire stupid reason for the girly road trip and Whitestrips in the first fucking place.

So not only is Crest trying to implant me with the idea of needing freshly bleached teeth in order to enjoy myself in public, but they are making me hate women as well. And there is enough misogynistic stuff out there.

But this ad got me thinking....it got me thinking about other ads that also piss me off. And to be honest, there are quite a few of them. Another one is that Kotex tampon commercial that plays CONSTANTLY. I know you have seen it, especially if you watch Degrassi: The Next Generation while you eat your dinner alone. Here is the bloody commercial (no pun intended!):

In this ad, the irritating menstrual blood girl shows us all the bizarre ways she hides her tampons and the question "Why are we so embarrassed by our periods?" is asked.
Initially this question comes across as pro-feminist. Yes, why indeed are we so embarras.....wait! we're embarrassed by our periods!? I had no idea. That's right - this would be a legitimate question if it wasn't for the simple fact that we AREN'T embarrassed by our periods. Unless you're a twelve year old girl. But judging from the number of teenage girls who have posted "how to put in a tampon" videos on YouTube (I've done my research), I don't think they are embarrassed either.

I remember once in high school I asked a boy I didn't like if he wanted a cigar and then pulled a tampon out of my bag and offered it to him as if I hadn't yet noticed it was a Tampax Super Plus tampon. No one laughed. Personally, I thought it was quite witty.

Another commercial that makes me want to chuck my half empty bottle of Jim Beam at the TV screen is the one for the First Response home pregnancy test. I couldn't find a YouTube video of it, so you will have to rely solely on my literary dramatization of it. If you have watched any TV in the last year you will have seen this ad - like the Whitestrips and Kotex tampon ads, it runs every fucking five minutes.

It begins with this wholesome looking woman gazing at you through your TV screen with this unsettling, serious, dewy eyed expression as she says "Imagine...knowing your pregnant the moment it happens".

Okay, I've imagined it, and now I am feeling all vomity and clammy....just what I need while I'm trying to enjoy the dewy young man-meat in Teen Wolf. Then she natters on a bit about how First Response can detect early pregnancy, blah blah blah, but the whole time I just want to strangle her. I am TRIGGERED by this ad so much and I am not sure exactly why. I feel like this advertisement is just very presumptive. The wholesome, sentimental woman in the ad seems to assume that viewers at home consider discovering your pregnant to be a good thing and not your worst nightmare. Which is interesting since I am willing to bet both my ovaries that the majority of women buying home pregnancy tests are hoping they aren't knocked up. Its just a guess, I don't really know for sure.

However, I think I'm really onto something here. Perhaps their target audience should be the I hope like fuck I'm not preggers group rather than the mature, oh so serious, planned pregnancy group. I think First Response would sell waaaay more pregnancy tests if they framed their product in a more fun, positive light by featuring young girls expressing relief when they pee on the First Response stick and discover they aren't pregnant.

In fact, if you watch the Crest Whitestrips ad at the beginning of this blog post but imagine its for a First Response home pregnancy test instead of Whitestrips, it actually makes a lot more sense. Three foolish young ladies plan a road trip, but one of them hesitates because she suspects she could be pregnant. So she takes the pregnancy test and realizes she isn't....PARTY TIME! VEGAS! This would actually make me want to buy a First Response test, even if I didn't think I was pregnant....just to experience the relief and joy that comes with reaffirming my non-pregnant status.

On a different note, I have joined Twitter. Despite years of vehemently declaring that tweeting is for twits, I have caved in a last ditch effort to actually promote this blog. My goal is to get ten blog subscribers by the end of this year.....or even ten twitter followers....I am not picky. So if you want to follow me on twitter, click on the twitter thing at the top left of this page. I promise to deliver scandalous, offensive tweets on a regular basis. You won't be disappointed......