Thursday, October 18, 2012

Jewel... Who Will Save Your Soul? Now That Satan Owns It...

When I first saw this video, I watched with abject horror, my mouth hanging open, gasps of shock and disbelief escaping me every time Jewel sang the word "Walmart" with what appeared to be a truly genuine sense of glee. All I could think was: She sold her soul to Satan!, she sold her soul to Satan!

At the beginning of the video, my first thought is that Jewel looks pretty perky and sunshiny for the ripe old age of 38. But I guess that's just part of the deal. Everlasting youth. Anyhow, Jewel is all giggles and smiles in a horrific yellow shirt that was clearly purchased at walmart - maybe it was part of the deal to? Perhaps it was thrown in as an extra - your soul in exchange for everlasting youth, riches, fame and....this striped yellow tunic made in China. Deal!

Okay, so Jewel and her defeated cleavage are rocking this yellow disaster as she sings about how great Walmart is. Why is Walmart great, Jewel? Because Walmart has:

stacks of candy
brown gravy
50 lb bags of chicken mcnuggets (WTF?!)
yogurt by the bucket
ice cream (which counts as calcium! hardy har har!)
chocolate chip cookies
pecan snookies (whatever the fuck those are)
popcorn snacks
croissant rolls
jelly rolls
soda fountains
snow cones
BBQ chicken
brownies in a box

If Jewel does a remix of this song she could call it Diabetes Dubstep!

But before I go in for the kill, I want to cut Jewel some slack. The original version of this song is not about Walmart, it is just about a supermarket (an evil supermarket that sells artery exploding foods in bizarrely large quantities). So she only changed the song lyrics for this special Walmart party. Perhaps she didn't even know she was being filmed. One can only hope.

So not only is Jewel selling out by enthusiastically singing about Walmart, but she's creating a children's song that is clearly meant to brainwash the next generation into craving monstrous foods like 50 lb bags of chicken mcnuggets and snow cones. Does your depravity know no bounds, Jewel?

But its hard to hate Jewel. She just seems so nice. She seems like maybe she really truly believes that Walmart is a super duper magical place the helps everyone save money and live better! And I will point out that Jewel is not the only celebrity to sell out lately....check out what Brad Pitt's been up to...

Okay, so maybe he isn't exactly "selling out", since its just a perfume ad, but come on! Doesn't this dude have enough money yet? Was this ad really necessary? And does anyone else think its weird how serious he takes this perfume? I mean, its just a perfume Brad, stop mind-wanking yourself over it already.

So now I turn to you, faithful blog readers....what is your favourite celebrity sell out?

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